what is an affair ?

[mimiko]

tonight i am debating eith my hubby because we have diffrent views on affair.in my own opinion affair is not about sex.i think men cans have sex wtiht anyone bec they think about down there but women before they have sex they have to have feelings for that person.going back to my question what is an affair. i say this because according to my hubbby affair is when you have sex with somoene but in my opinion if you lied about it to your partner that is an affair whether you have sexual relationship or not. during our early marriage i caught my husband supporting this girl apparantly for her studies i only caught him because i found the letters from the girl and it was address to my mother in law. my hubby said she is not having an affair with this girl because he is not having a sexual relationship.my reason is if you are not having a relationship why lie to me about it and her letters go to your mother.secondly, we have a staff who is working with us for about two years.my husband ask me if he can go out new years eve and i said nn(i was pregnant at that time) but still went out with our co worker on new years eve found out late because he got too drunk that he left his phone to our co workers place. my husband again insist that he is not having an affair because no sex involved.my eason is i said no your not allowed to go out and yet you still went out and lied to me about it.am i stupid to beleive that affair is only when you are having sexual relationship.according to my husband he is not having an affair with them because he never had sex with them.my question is why lie to me about it?please  help... really need your advice. is affair all bout sex....?

[Bernd]

if u get rid of the label "affair", it would change the argument to one about what is actually happening. Whether or not majority opinion would call it an affair, the facts are:
- he is having an emotional relationship with this girl
- he's lying about it
- you feel betrayed, and he's trying to tell you that you "shouldn't" feel this way, instead of saying something like "omigosh, I was so thoughtless, I'm so sorry, I will stop seeing her, and do everything I can to re-earn your trust".

You can't control his choices, you can only control yours.

Make the decisions you need to heal from this best you can. Your healing doesn't depend on what or what he doesn't do. It will be a slow painful process, but you need to get yourself better (therapy, support group, etc.). Make your decisions day by day. Asking him to leave today doesn't mean forever. And don't accept promises of "I'll never do it again". If he wants to really make amends, him getting involved in therapy of his own, as well as marriage counselling, would be 2 positive signs, as long as he keeps doing it. You can view trust as a sliding scale, not on or off, and this will help you choose how MUCH you feel like trusting him at any moment.

If he really "gets it", you'll see solid signs as time goes by - ones where your gut tells you "he's more trustworthy today, than yesterday".

This is major damage: listen to your feelings, and don't get involved in arguments about whether it's "right" for you to feel a certain way. Remind yourself each day: "What I feel is right for today; tomorrow I may feel different, but today I will respect my feelings."

Hope this helps.

[mimiko]

my question really is ; as long as he is concern as long as he is not having sexual relationship with this girls it is not an affair. my view is why lie to me about ir in the first place if they are just friends.in my own opinion affair whether sexual or not if you kept it from your partner its an affair. in his point of view as long as no sex is involved its not an affair its just him saying being friendly to this girls.

[mimiko]

especially with our co worker for 2years. even though i told him not to go he still went and lied about it and found out later because he left his cellphone in her place. his answer is she is just a friend and no sex involved.my view is even though no sex involved the fact that i told him not to go still went and spent new years eve with her. his reason is he coulndt say no when he invited her to go to the party.

[Bernd]

if you both argue about whether or not its an affair, you won't get to the main issue, which is: betrayal of trust.