Resolutions..I need help sticking to it!

[Reborn]

I am an oldie/newbie here.  I use to post under the name Sensitive, but with a new year I decided I needed a new name (and I forgot my old password).  For the new year I have decided to do an overhaul of my life...so here goes.

The issues I have to face are:
I have been so hurt over the past 5 years from 2 different men both not right for me and treated me like sh*t, but for some self-defeating or self-loathing reason I kept going back and it was usually me doing the leaving in the first place.  I would be here for days if I had to summarize the issues with both of them, so I won't bore you guys     My friends say I should start dating but I really don't feel ready.  I have this problem that I think all men will treat me badly in one way or another.  My ex-boyfriends and my friends are getting married, having babies, leading healthy productive lives and I feel stuck. 

I started drinking progressively over the last 5 years and my 17 year old son said I was becoming a "professional drinker" that is when I decided enough is enough. 1/2 to a full bottle of wine in one night was excessive, this wasn't everynight but occured a few times a week.  I was depressed b/c my life was not going the way I wanted it to so I self medicated but I think I am done doing that now.  I was only hurting myself and want to be healthy.     

My questions are... 

How do you constantly remind your self to stay away from things that are not good for you and when does the anxiousness subside?  Does anyone have any similar experiences they could share with me?  Similar relationship experience, cutting ties for good and not looking back??  Dealing with the loneliness without caving in. 

[mimiko]

drinking is addictive.but my advice is keep yourself busy and think about your son.relationship wise i guess some of us have to keep trying and trying and finally met the right person.

[Bernd]

There's only one way I know to get out of a rut: reach out, and get others (who are good at helping) to help you. I got my car stuck in the snow today, and was able to rock it back and forth until I got unstuck. It's something I learned how to do later in my life, but before I did, all that would happen is that I'd get stuck worse until I found someone to help push me out.

What helped me most in getting unstuck emotionally, was: alanon (weekly hugs are free, good friends), therapy (found a really caring therapist), risking doing new things with other people (eg., volunteer groups)  to learn new ways of interacting and build a fiends network. I reminded myself that I was lie someone who ate chocolate cake most of my life - tasted delicious, but starved my body of real nutrients. Changing to brocolli and salad wasn't going to make me FEEL better for a while, but in time I'd be a whole lot healthier, and reach a point where being healthier WOULD make me feel a lot better. And would make the chocolate cake something I could taste occasionally, but could now be ok living without - especially as a steady diet.

Taking charge doesn't mean doing it yourself - that just takes you in the same circles. Taking charge means finding the people and paths that can most in regaining your emotional health.

[Richey-b]

How do you constantly remind your self to stay away from things that are not good for you and when does the anxiousness subside?
This is one way to approach the solution, but it is not the approach I recommend.  What I recommend instead is that you ask yourself what about the "bad things" is drawing you toward them?  What purpose are these "bad things" providing you that you keep going back to them?  Find those answers and you can learn a lot about yourself and then also learn how to change what you are drawn to and why.  At the very least you can fix those things that are broken that make you susceptible to the "bad things".    Focus on that for now.  The subsiding anxsiousness will work itself out without effort when you focus and start fixing yourself with this approach.

It's not enough to "stay away" from bad things (tha'ts like sweeping the problem under the rug).  Address the problem and fix it.  then you won't have to worry about "staying away" anymore.


Does anyone have any similar experiences they could share with me?
As far as picking bad females to date?  yeah.  I was doing that for a while.  And the fix was basically this ~ i had to stop feeling like I needed somebody in my life.  I had to stop assuming the worst.  I had to be happy with my life and myself and had to just focus on building a good life for me, and become the best me I could...   and somebody would someday notice and want to be a part of that "good life" I built and be around the "good me" I was.  I also needed to stop caring what other people thought or how they'd regard me if i was with anybody or not, what kind of person i was with or not.  Again, that goes to being happy with me (aka not caring what others think).


Dealing with the loneliness without caving in. 
This goes to the focusing on you, building a good life for you, being happy with you, making you the best thing you can be ~ so that you are happy with life and you regardless who's in your life or not.  Just think of the people that you find desirable and not desirable and who makes you want to be around them or not.  I doubt that the people that attract you and you want to be a part o their lives are the ones with horribly unfulfilling lives with no direction or ambition.  You are probably attractd more towards people who have a good life, good attitude, and are going someplace or have a drive to want to do something.  Well...  is it a mystery what would make you attractive to others then?  You need to ahve a good life, and a good attitude towards it, and are going someplace or have some drive to do something.

And think of it this way.. IF YOU HAVE THE GREATEST LIFE you've built for yourself, you aren't gonig to be lonely are you?  Yu're enjoying life too much to feel lonely.  Plus, if you have that life and everybody else wants to be a aprt of your life, even more so you won't be lonely.

Richey