17, pregnant, alone. Help?

[hiimmiik]

Hi. My name is Mikala, I'm 17 years old and pregnant. The father and I are not dating, but we are very close. I think he's almost more scared than I am. I'm very christian and so is he, but we both have different views. Abortion is simply not an option for me, and I couldn't imagine giving it up for adoption. He wants me to either have an abortion or adopt because he won't be able to help and he didn't know his father growing up; he doesn't want this child to go through that. (he's willing to do whatever it takes to make one of those two options happen) I completely understand that, but I also have a very loving and supportive family that would help and a lot of people that would be father figures to him/her. I'm towards the end of first semester of my Senior year in high school and because of this situation, will have to walk around high school with very harsh dramatic girls, won't be able to attend prom, and will have to walk at my graduation 6 months along, a very noticable belly, and a lot of judging eyes. Outside of school it will be hard for me to show my face at church and even to my family-who doesn't know yet. Those are sacrifices I'm willing to make for this childs life, but thinking that after all of that, I don't get to keep them? He thinks that I'm being selfish, but I know they would be in great, loving hands.

I've always been known as the "good girl" and I know that people will automatically see me as a "whore" because of my belly, even though I'm trying to be as responsible for my mistakes as possible. I LOVE children so much, and I have a very nurturing, motherly personality. But apparently that's not enough in the fathers eyes. If I keep him/her, he doesn't want to be a part of it's life or mine. I want nothing more than to keep this child, but can I do it without him? I'm scared, embarrassed, frustrated, yet excited. Please if anyone who has gone through this or simply has some input, please respond. At this point, God is in control and there isn't much I can do anymore but if someone can help I would be so appreciative. Thank you.

[Bernd]

God works in mysterious ways, and maybe one of those ways is bringing you to this forum.

If I were to ask God to weigh in, my best guess is that this would be part of what he would say:

- there's nothing to be ashamed about. If other people want to judge you, that's their choice - but what goes out always comes back.
- read Ann Frank's Diary. It will help you better understand how courage in the face of adversity is such an inspiring thing to others, and help you realize how your choices can become an inspiration to others you may never know about, that will follow a similar path in the future. It will also help you gain perspective.
- go to your grad and prom, and enjoy both. You worked hard to achieve your diploma, and you deserve to celebrate that accomplishment. If someone tells you that you shouldn't, tell them you got some very clear instructions otherwise from some very caring people, and invite them to come to this forum to ask forum members to explain our reasons.
- the father's feelings are what they are today. The future has all sorts of possibilities on that changing for the better. Whatever anyone else does, if you do the best for you AND your baby, things may still be tough at points, but both you and the baby will have a shared life you'll both cherish.
- if your parents truly are supportive, build an "addition" onto your relationship with them, that will result in a new extended family with them as your main cheerleaders, and your child as the new joy in everyone's lives. Work with them to find a way to get a post-secondary education, so that you will have the power to earn a good living and have the option of when you want to become self-supporting.

That's my best guess. The decision to keep, put up for adoption, or abort is one that I know much be heart-wrenching at times. God speaks gently in whispers to us. Listen to those whispers, and say true to yourself.

We have 2 grandsons (one of our daughter's is unmarried) and they are absolute joys in our lives.

I wish you the very best.

[Richey-b]

Agreed with most of what BernD said.

Definitely to not let this be a blockade to anything you want to do (prom, grad, etc.).  And definitely don't worry about how others will see you or judge you (although, definitely prepare yourself for the ridicule, the comments, etc.)  But you sound like a strong, level-headed young lady and I don't doubt you are able to handle all these things.

As for the father.  It is my advice that you prepare as if the father will be a non-factor in this child's life, and be an absent father.  It is my advice that your decision be based on the hypothetical scenario that the father will disappear on you.  Yes he may change his mind later, but frankly I wouldn't count on it.

As for the family support and being in good hands ~ I was wondering if you had discussed this with your family already and have gotten support?  Again, if it is that support that is making you feel confident in having this baby, then maybe (if you haven't already), you need to get a good read on whether that support will actually be there.

So assess the situation as realistically as you can (what will really happen with friends, family, what support you will or won't get, what the father will most likely do (or not do), and get a good picture of that.  Then assess how you will be able to handle that picture ~ if nothing more, then to prepare yourself the best for what's about to come.

Good luck to you.
Richey

[HunterGreenLover]

As a mom to a one year old, I commend you for keeping your child, I can also tell you that its hard work and both my husband and I work together to take care of our little girl.  Make sure you have a great network put together prior to your child's arrival as you will need all the help you can get.  Do your research of what is available for you, file for child support (its not about you, but about what your child needs), look at scholarships for single teen moms so that you can get your college education.  Also, if the members of your church are Christians, then they will be there to support you, even though you made a mistake.  We all make mistakes and its compassion is part of the Christian Faith.

One story I do want to tell you is about a child I started babysitting when I was 15, he's now 25.  His mom was 17, in high school and her boyfriend left her.  She made the ultimate sacrifice and gave him up for adoption, it was an open adoption where his adoptive parents sent her pictures and kept in touch over the years.  She lived 1800 miles away from them, so visits weren't available easily, even though his adoptive parents would have been very open to that for his first 10 years.  He has a birth sister, four half brothers and two half sisters as both of his biologically parents have married others and had kids.  He is currently living and working with his biological father and use to spend holiday's with his biological mom as she moved within 2 hours of his family after college.  His biological mom said that she made the best choice for him as he had things that she never could have given him at that age.

I wish you the best in your next couple of months of pregnancy as its amazing what your body is going to do.