hate this

[RedJump]

Hi Everyone,
Boy do I hate posting under 'drifting apart', but I don't know what other topic to put it under at the moment, so this one will do. Short version- met my bf through an online dating service. Had a connection right away and although the first couple months had some bumps we made it through and fell in love. We moved in after 6 months and we've been together for just over a year(8 months under one roof).

We are complete opposites. I mean complete. I knew that going in, but thought we complemented each other nicely. I am a healthy, exercising, foodie. He is a sit at the computer, eat potato chips, non exercise person. Yes I knew this. I moved to this city(for work) right before I met him, so not alot of friends here. He seems to have a small group but they never see each other. He is not social at all, I love to be with my friends and try to visit them often. He sometimes has no interest in that. So alot of nights it is he on his computer, me on mine. We are both on restrictive budgets
 He has a great heart. He is kind. He has a huge goofy side. He is affectionate, and can be very funny. He loves me. I love him.

He seems(is) very disconnected with life. He has admitted as much. I thought our love would be enough, would fill the spaces that our opposite traits left open. I am finding not so much these days. We have sex on average once a week. I don't seem to have much drive. Nor does he.  Which in itself should be concerning.When I talk to him about these things his standard reply is "I don't know what you want me to say" . So now I find I am not talking to him about stuff. He thinks everything is just fine, whereas I feel there is a huge something lacking.

Sigh. Not even sure if I am looking for advice, just needed a place to share and I know this is the place. Thanks for reading.

RedJump

[Bernd]

Someone close to me just ended a very similar type of relationship, after a baby came along and upset the whole dynamics of the relationship.

When just about anything we do or are is ok with our partner, and we still feel loved, it "feels" like real love. The reality is that trait is PART of real love, but in a healthy relationship, its ALSO accompanied by discomfort on our part as our partner proactively lets us know THEIR needs, as well as how OUR unhealthy choices affect them negatively.

Usually when u get just the first part, what you also get is a passive/aggressive relationship, where your partner lets you do most of the heavy lifting, and "punishes" you by withdrawing when you ask them to step up to a more active role in the relationship.

You mentioned "(we) had a connection right away". This type of personality is what I call "teddy bear", lovable right off the bat, and you feel loved. Part of why it feels so sweet. But the teddy bear WON'T turn into a responsible, healthily loving partner until they have enough wrecked relationships in their wake to make them suddenly sit up and say "oh my god, if I don't break this cycle, I'm NEVER gonna find REAL love".

My best guesses.

[RedJump]

Thanks Bernd,
 Thanks for the guesses . I knew these traits going into the relationship, and so far our relationship has been a healthy one, but for maybe communication, plus the stated others.  Our connection in the beginning was more a feeling that we knew each other along time ago..not that he was so much loveable right off the bat. haha.

I have lots to think about the next little while.......

thanks again

[Bernd]

In assessing how healthy a relationship is, and what dysfunctions are affecting it, you'll tend to get a lot more accurate feedback from outside, from people such as experienced relationship counsellors. When we're inside a forest, we see the trees. Those outside can see the forest.

Just a tip.

[Richey-b]

Ah the good ol' "love will conquor everything" and "our differences make for a very interesting/lively relationship" traps....   Actually, I read your story with great interest as my gf and I (about 2 months now, known each other for 3) sounds very similar.  Although we didn't feel like we were opposites, one night we decided to have fun and look up "zodiac compatibility" sites and via zodiacs, we're considered opposites. So I'm wondering if I'm headed down a similar road?

It's pretty interesting how all of us tend to find reasons why things "are working" or "should work" when history tells us otherwise.  But the one thing I'm curious about here is this ~ should all our lessons tell us it's not about how much we have in common overtly, but rather about how good/kind a person is, and what quality of a person that person is, and how they treat us?

In my current relationship, I'm going by the latter (looking at the person and their character, etc., rather than necessarily how many exact things in common we have) because I decided what I've been doing wasn't working, and so I'm trying something different this time around.  So far, so GOOD!  So i'm very excited/interested in finding out the rest as time goes on.

Richey

[Bernd]

Richey,

I agree that your shopping list works a lot better for me too, in ALL my relationships - romantic or not. What I find amazing is that, as I get to know truly kind people better, how many CORE interests and values we have in common, and how our differences keep creating the joys of new discoveries. Hope your current relationship becomes more magical each day.

[RedJump]

Richey!
Thanks for your input. So true as I have been looking at the BIG PICTURE and how kind and giving my bf is. With my last ex, as you may remember, we had so much in common and did so many activities together, and he loved me, but I didn't love him despite all the commonalities, and he wasn't so kind to others (and to me) in the end, so there is a huge lesson in all of this for me. I will admit all my current bf's opposite traits intrigued because of my last relationship and eveything we had in common.
I would say, too that I am more comfortable with my current bf just hanging out and doing nothing. Trouble gets me when I start to compare my relationship with that of my friends and seeing how much they may have in common. But again, I know not of what goes on behind thier closed doors. Behind mine, there is a kind man whom I love, who loves me back and we are each other's family.

Good to see you Richey and thanks again Bernd

[Richey-b]

Red,

Very interesting ~ thank you for sharing more about your current relationship.  It sorta makes me feel better about my current relationship.

Last observation (and I had to tell this to a friend of mine who just got broken up with by her bf):  we can't judge how we are doing (personally, career-wise, or relatoinship wise) with what we think we're observing around us.  There are 2 main reasons for this:  Firstly, as you said, we don't know what's going on behind closed doors.  It's a lesson that's difficult to learn ~ to ignore outward appearances and realize they are the most unreliable indicators of anything.  Remember, what we see of other people is what they want us to see publicly.  (Think of all the violent and sex criminals and how until they were caught, they were considered the "nicest, quietest, most respectful people" their friends/neighbors ever known).

Secondly, since when has the mainstream and the "great majority" opinion ever been correct or constructive?  So who cares what everybody else says and what society says you should be like, what a relatoinship should look like, etc. 

Keep us updated Red (or at least keep ME updated).  I'm really curious how things progress with you as it sounds like we have similar new relationships going on.

*hugs*  Best Wishes,

Richey

[RedJump]

Funny, I can come home from work, get on my computer while he's on his, we don't talk for an hour and I'm fine with that. Its only when I think we should be talking that I get myself in a state. Yet I once dated a talker who just wouldn't leave me peace. 

I will keep you updated Richey! You too! I always enjoy your insights

[Richey-b]

Red,

That's a great place to be and exactly where you want to be.  The word "need" is tossed around WAY TOO MUCH.  But the word "need" plays tricks on us that people don't realize.  All these people that go around claiming all these thigns they "need" to be happy, "need" in a bf or gf.... ugh...   There is no such thing as "need" beyond food, water, shelter, heat, etc.  The rest is WANTS!  Just switching language like that does wonders for how we handle things.

So good for you.  You are getting it.  We don't "NEED" anybody.  We don't "NEED" any one person to be happy and have a fulfilling life.  We just "WANT" that person in our life because we think we'll be happier.  It's some pretty powerful stuff.  Just the sound of it makes us see it completely differently doens't it?

As for me..  gf and I ran into some rough times but we realized it was outside interference we were lashing out at, not each other.  It's just each other was a convenient target.  So we've fixed that, figured itout, and it's good now.  She's moving out this weekend to remove that interference so it can just be about us without distractions.  I'm excited about that!  I'm also excited that (rather coincidentally), I also have a great job interview lined up near her when she moves out.  So if I hit that interview ~ I'll get to move closer to her (in fact, we're talking about me moving in WITH her ... which i'm really excited about)

How are things with you?

Richey